Literary crushes!

I have plenty of free time on my hands these days and it seems all I do the entire day is read. Thank God for the makeshift library I set up a few months back; plenty of unread books grace my shelves so I'm set for a few more weeks. Yesterday I finished reading Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier and found myself utterly captivated by it's dead protagonist- Rebecca. This made me ponder back to the numerous literary crushes I've developed over the years. Here are some them: 

  

 Mr. Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Johnny Depp plays Willy Wonka, 2005

Every fat kid with an irrevocable love for chocolate adored this eccentric character created by Roald Dahl in Charlie and the chocolate factory. Not only is Mr. Willy Wonka the best chocolatier in the world, he also owns a chocolate factory where everything is made entirely out of chocolate! Apart from a fabulous dressing style complete with a sleek bob, a tall hat and a perfectly tailored maroon coat, I love him for his quirkiness, his unconventional attitude and his disgust for almost everything that isn't made up of chocolate. Watching Johnny Depp play Willy Wonka in Tim Burton's film adaption only cemented his position as one of my favorite literary crushes. 

Best dialogue: “"Everything in this room is eatable. In fact even I am eatable, but that is called cannibalism my dear children and is frowned upon in most civilizations.”

 Vampire Lestat in Vampire Chronicles

Stuart Townsend plays Lestat, 2002

 This enigmatic monster gripped my attention in Interview with the vampire by Anne Rice- A story about blood sucking, bad ass vampires! (Take that Meyers). Despite the story being about Louis and his transformation from a human to a vampire and his subsequent adventurous life, it was Vampire Lestat who made a lasting impression on me. He prompted me to read the entire Vampire Chronicle series, including Vampire Lestat and The queen of the damned.
This 200 year old vampire is a vanity-struck sexy rockstar, a rebel, a miser, and ultimately a redemption seeker. He is more like one of my bi-polar friends...yes Molls I'm referring to you. He's crazy when life's good and deeply morose when things go bad. Unbelievably powerful and  unapologetically fatal; Vampire Lestat is irresistible!

 Best dialogue: ''Evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are, none so like him as ourselves.''

Lord Henry in The picture of Dorian Gray

Collin Firth plays Lord Henry, 2009

 Could there be a character more witty, opinionated and intriguing than Lord Henry? The answer is no! He plays the devil's advocate, misleading the naive Dorian Gray with his demonic views of the world. Lord Henry is a clever man who doesn't practice what he preaches, instead he influences others with his immoral and unconventional philosophies. He may not be the desirable hero of this novel; he is sexist, offensive and attention seeking but Lord Henry is also undeniably fascinating and an exquisitely eloquent character who says things that most of us only wish we had the courage to speak.

Best dialogues: "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.''

"The people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination. Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect - simply a confession of failure."

Florentino Ariza in Love in the time of Cholera

Javier Bardem plays Ariza, 2007

Florentino Ariza is observant without being detached, tragic without being hopeless and stubborn without being impatient. Our passionate hero waits fifty-one years, nine months, and four days to reach his lover, Fermina Daza. During his wait he turns into a sex addict, becomes an obsessive stalker and lives and breathes poetry.

This is not to say that I find the above mentioned traits attractive but despite his flaws Florentino Ariza is a die-hard romantic who reaffirmed my belief in true love that transcends time. Written in Marquez's masterful prose, Florentino Ariza is unforgettable.
 

 Best Dialogue: “The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love.”

 Rebecca in Rebecca

Author: Daphne Du Maurier

Rebbecca, the antagonist of the book with the same title is headstrong, accomplished and beautiful. Although she is dead, she is still indestructible. I am completely smitten by her character because of the different sides of her personality that were revealed to me as the book progressed. In the beginning the narrator of the book pieces together an image of Rebecca that portrays her as the perfect hostess of the grand Manderley and the much loved wife who dies tragically at sea but a few chapters into the book and the real Rebecca begins to emerge; one who is rebellious, flirtatious and an evil woman who commits unspeakable acts under the masquerade of beauty and grace.

The oppressive presence of Rebecca throughout the novel captured my imagination and made her one of the most memorable characters I've come across. Her 'last joke' in the book is the perfect example of Rebecca's wicked nature. Not so much of a crush than a fascination, the ghost of Rebecca haunted me long after I finished the novel.

These were mine. Who are your literary crushes? Any character who has captured your mind and enthralled you with their charisma?

Nastiest literary insults of all time

I think most authors are an insecure and envious lot. Hell breaks loose when a writer decides to spew his/her hatred publicly. It makes for a highly amusing read too. No wonder these insults are so eloquent and hard-hitting, after all they have been made by some very good writers who just find their fellows really bad. Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby present to you a stunning mix of wit, jealousy and sarcasm.
Note: Regarding some comments as plain nasty would be an understatement. 

Let the vicious war of words begin!

Oscar Wilde on Alexander Pope
“There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.”

Lord Byron on John Keats

 “Here are Johnny Keats’ piss-a-bed poetry, and three novels by God knows whom… No more Keats, I entreat: flay him alive; if some of you don’t I must skin him myself: there is no bearing the drivelling idiotism of the Mankin.”

Mark Twain on Jane Austen

Every time I read ‘Pride and Prejudice,’ I want to dig her up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone.” Ouch!

Vladimir Nabokov on Ernest Hemingway 

 “As to Hemingway, I read him for the first time in the early ‘forties, something about bells, balls and bulls, and loathed it.”

Homer J. Simpson on Walt Whitman's book
'Leaves of grass' my ass!

Harold Bloom on J.K. Rowling

“How to read ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’? Why, very quickly, to begin with, and perhaps also to make an end. Why read it? Presumably, if you cannot be persuaded to read anything better, Rowling will have to do.” Sorry Potter fans

Gertrude Stein on Ezra Pound
“A village explainer. Excellent if you were a village, but if you were not, not.”

 H. G. Wells on George Bernard Shaw
“An idiot child screaming in a hospital.”

Charles Baudelaire on Voltaire (1864)
“I grow bored in France — and the main reason is that everybody here resembles Voltaire…the king of nincompoops, the prince of the superficial, the anti-artist, the spokesman of janitresses, the Father Gigone of the editors of Siecle.”

William Faulkner on Ernest Hemingway
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

Ernest Hemingway on William Faulkner
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

Gore Vidal on Truman Capote
“He’s a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices.”  

Truman Capote on Jack Kerouac
“That’s not writing, that’s typing.”

W. H. Auden on Robert Browning
“I don’t think Robert Browning was very good in bed. His wife probably didn’t care for him very much. He snored and had fantasies about twelve-year-old girls.”

Evelyn Waugh on Marcel Proust (1948)
“I am reading Proust for the first time. Very poor stuff. I think he was mentally defective.”

Virginia Woolf on James Joyce
“[Ulysses is] the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.”

William Faulkner on Mark Twain 

“A hack writer who would not have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tricked out a few of the old proven sure fire literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy.”

D.H. Lawrence on James Joyce (1928)
“My God, what a clumsy olla putrida James Joyce is! Nothing but old fags and cabbage stumps of quotations from the Bible and the rest stewed in the juice of deliberate, journalistic dirty-mindedness.”

James Dickey on Robert Frost:
“If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes...'' Seriously Dickey? lol

H.G. Wells on Henry James:
“A hippopotamus trying to pick up a pea  that has got into a corner of its cage..”

Lawrence Durrell on Henry James
 “If I were asked to choose between reading Henry James and having my head pressed between two stones, I’d choose the latter.” Sorry Azzaam, that must've hurt. 

 Mark Twain on Henry James:
“Once you put one of his books down, you simply can’t pick it up again.”

Mark Twain on Edgar Allan Poe.
“To me, his prose is unreadable– like Jane Austen’s”

Gore Vidal after being punched by Norman Mailer 

 “I see Norman, words have failed you again!”

Louis-Ferdinand Céline on D.H.Lawrence’s “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”:
“600 hundred pages for a gamekeeper’s dick, it’s way too long.”

Vidal on Truman Capote’s death
 “A good Career move.”

Mark Twain on Jane Austen:
Just the omission of Jane Austen’s books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn’t a book in it

Dorothy Parker’s on Benito Mussolini’s -The Cardinal’s Mistress

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” HAHA

Flannery O’Connor on Harper Lee
 “I think for a child’s book it does all right. It’s interesting that all the folks that are buying it don’t know they’re reading a child’s book.”

John Updike on the name of a character in one of Rushdie's novels who has the same name as a German actor: Why, oh why, did Salman Rushdie, in his new novel ... call one of his major characters Maxmilian Ophuls
Salman Rushdie: A name is just a name. Why oh why ... Well, why not? Somewhere in Las Vegas there's probably a male prostitute called John Updike.

Dorothy Parker on Clare Booth Luce
Clare Booth Luce, opening a door for Dorthy Parker: Age before beauty.
Dorothy Parker: Pearls before swine. OH GOD!

Ben Jonson on William Shakespeare

“I remember the players have often mentioned it as an honor to Shakespeare, that in his writing, whatsoever he penned, he never blotted out a line. My answer hath been, ‘Would he had blotted a thousand,’ Don't speak ill of the bard!

Salman Rushdie on John le Carré 

 “an illiterate pompous ass”.

James Dickey on Steinbeck

I can't read ten pages of Steinbeck without throwing up.

Arnold Bennett on Charles Dickens
About a year ago, from idle curiosity, I picked up 'The Old Curiosity Shop', and of all the rotten vulgar un-literary writing...! Worse than George Eliot.

Samuel Johnson on John Milton's Paradise Lost
'Paradise Lost' is one of the books which the reader admires and lays down, and forgets to take up again.

Anatole France on Emile Zola

His work is evil, and he is one of those unhappy beings of whom one can say that it would be better had he never been born.

Norman Mailer on Tom Wolfe’s 

“Reading the work can even be said to resemble the act of making love to a 300lb woman. Once she gets on top, it’s over. Fall in love, or be asphyxiated.”

I'm just as surprised as you are...

Every banned book is worth reading

Here is my list of books that have caused massive controversy since their release and are a must read. Most have been subjected to censorship, which has prompted me and many other readers to hunt them down and read to see what the hullabaloo is about. Let me tell you; these are books that require you to think and in the words of Wilde ''...show the world its own shame'' which is precisely the reason they are banned. However, it is interesting to note how all these books are considered to be some of the greatest in literature and are widely read despite being frequently challenged. Read on to see why these masterpieces deserve your time. 
 

1) Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.

Banned for: Profanity, sexual references and immorality. This is one of the most banned, censored and challenged books of all times.

Why you must read it? How often is it that you come across a morally fallible, world-hating, teenage character? Not often. Searingly honest and brilliant in its disillusionment, this is one book that every person must read if they want to experience a classic, coming-of-age story unlike any other.

Note: In 1980, a young man named Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon and later gave the book to police as an explanation for why he did it, making this book stand out as an icon for teenage rebellion.
 Just don't interpret the book the way this retard did.

Key quote: "In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw."

2) The Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank

Banned for:  Being "a real downer''.
As if a real life account of the biggest genocide in the history of mankind is supposed to be a joy fest!

Why you must read it? One of the most prominent accounts documenting the experiences of Jews by the Nazis. One that shows us a victim's unwavering faith in humanity even in the worst of conditions. I was deeply upset after reading the book but reflecting on the writing of this young legend made me realise the true message of inspiration and hope it contains for the world. It reaffirmed my faith in the goodness of humanity.

Key quote: ''How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.''

 ''I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.'' 

3) The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain.

Banned for: Offensive language and racism due to the use of a racially charged word. One administrator branded it as the "most grotesque example of racism I’ve ever seen in my life."

Why you must read it? It's Twain. Need more convincing? Well, after reading this book in grade 5 and being forever fascinated with 'Huck Finn', I reread the novel recently. Not only is this book Twain's finest work, it is also the cleverest anti-slavery and anti racist work ever written. The used of the word 'nigger' in the novel is used to depict the disgusting connotations of the word and actually attempts to challenge the racism Twain saw around him. A must read.

Key quote: "It was fifteen minutes before I could work myself up to go and humble myself to a n*****; but I done it, and I warn't ever sorry for it afterwards, neither. 

4) To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Banned for: Charges of racism and the accusation that it "represents institutionalized racism under the guise of good literature'' and "promotes white supremacy".

Why you must read it? It paints a true picture of the struggles of it's time and is one of the greatest anti-racism books of all time. With memorable characters, great plot and a thought-provoking storyline, this book has secured it's place as the most loved classic.

Key quotes: ''You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.''
''She was white, and she tempted a Negro. She did something that in our society is unspeakable: she kissed a black man. Not an old Uncle, but a strong young Negro man."

5) The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.

Banned for: Anti-Christian sentiments

Why you must read it? Read it as fiction and it will exhilarate your senses. Take it a bit too seriously and things will get disturbing. It sold millions of copies, caused widespread outrage, its a page turner and gets you interested in Art History. Enough reasons to read it if you haven't already.

Key quote: "Almost everything our fathers taught us about Christ is false."

6)The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Banned for: Sexual references and profanity.

Why you must read it? This book is not only featured in every 'Must read' list, it is also Fitzgerald's best work. His words are simply beautiful. This tragic love story truly captures the fascinating lifestyle of the Jazz age. Jay Gatsby is quite an interesting character himself, the utter loneliness and emptiness that he exudes is bound to strike a cord with most readers.

Key quote: "Everyone suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known."

7) Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov.

Banned for: Obscenity, indecency and sexual explicitness.

Why you must read it? This book is about the life of a highly intelligent murderer and pedophile who seduces a 12-year old girl! However, this is no How-to manual for perverts. Read it simply because it is the most beautiful love story you will ever read (in a very demented way). A tale of forbidden obsession; Lolita is sure to leave you heart-wrenched, mesmerized and a tad bit disturbed- just what a good work of literature should do.

Note: This bone-chilling story is not for the faint of heart.

Key quote: "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul.

8) The Color Purple by Alice Walker.

Banned for:  Violence, profanity, racism, and sexuality, including a rape scene.

Why you must read it? This book is a personal favorite. It evoked in me infinite respect for the black women who survived a miserable time living in South America in the 1930's and their struggle for independence and equality. Written as a series of diary entries and letters by the protagonist to God, the novel chronicles the life of black woman's poignant journey towards a better life. This is one of the most gripping novels I have ever read and one that everybody must read once. 

Key quote: "I see Sofia and I don’t know why she still alive. They crack her skull, they crack her ribs. They tear her nose loose on one side. They blind her in one eye. She swole from head to foot."

9) Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury.

Banned for: Profanity, portrayal of smoking and drinking and questionable themes such as anti-religious and anti-establishment sentiments.

Why you should read it? Talk about irony! This books deals with the issue of censorship itself. It is a novel about book-banning in a futuristic society. The descriptions of modern society made in this book written more than 50 years ago are eerily obvious now. This is one of the most important novels in American literature and rightfully so. For those who find Bradbury's lengthy prose burdensome, here's what he has to say: "If teachers and grammar school editors find my jawbreaker sentences shatter their mushmilk teeth, let them eat stale cake dunked in weak tea of their own ungodly manufacture." Touché!

Key quote: "We know all the damn silly things we've done for a thousand years and as long as we know that and always have it around where we can see it, someday we'll stop making the goddamn funeral pyres and jumping in the middle of them."

10) The picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Banned for: Themes of homosexuality.

Why you must read it? This masterpiece will indulge you in a world of opulence and corruption, immerse you in shameless pleasure and in the end, make you gasp in horror. Undoubtedly, one of the greatest books ever written.

FYI, I am the proud owner of the original version published for the very first time after the book's release 120 years ago- 'The Picture of Dorian Gray: An Annotated, Uncensored Edition' edited by Nicholas Frankel.

Key Quotes: "Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different."
"My dear boy, no woman is a genius. Women are a decorative sex. They never have anything to say, but they say it charmingly. Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.

How many of these forbidden masterpieces have you read?

Some of my favorites...

"Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."

— G.K. Chesterton